Integrative Psychotherapy Articles

Bonding in Relationship:
A Solution to Violence?

Richard G. Erskine, Ph.D.

AUTHOR’S POST SCRIPT

            After reading the speech, “Bonding in Relationship: A Solution to Violence?” both Bill Cornell and Robin Fryer raised some interesting questions about how I was affected by Stanley, the client who fantasized committing acts of mass murder. I would like to respond to each of their five questions.

Were you ever worried Stanley would act-out before the therapy could take effect?

            Early in the therapy, I was focused on treating Stanley’s depression and underlying cumulative trauma manifested in the script beliefs,  “I’m a failure” and “I don’t belong.” I assumed that his depressing photographs of destruction and mayhem were only a visual metaphor to describe the “destruction” of his sense of self-worth and the “mayhem” of his family and peer relationships. I became alarmed when he talked about revenge and buying another gun for his already large collection. I tried in vain to get more information. I was worried about his potentially acting on the fantasies.

            The only thing that eased my worrying about him between sessions was that he often arrived early for our therapy sessions and he seemed eager to both show me his photographs and to tell me how something was “wrong” with him. Periodically he would call me “just to talk”. We were forming a relationship even though he would not let me ask about his fantasies of revenge and killing or about his guns.

            The more he voluntarily told me about his childhood the more relaxed I became. He was at least talking-out his frustrations and anger, even though he claimed to have no feelings. Once Stanley’s profound sense of shame became central to the therapy and he was again able to cry, my worry about his violently acting-out his childhood humiliation and rejection began to subside. He seemed committed to psychotherapy.

Did you ever consider whether to report Stanley to authorities as a potential threat to someone?

            Yes, this was a major consideration in response to both state laws and professional ethics. My consultations with respected colleagues helped organize priorities and concerns about public safety, therapeutic effectiveness and ethics. I often thought about how ineffective such a report to the police would be. I had no useful information except that he was buying another gun. In the first year and a half, I had no knowledge of the extent of his fantasies; all I had was my impressions of his photographs and his refusal to answer my questions.

            Any police report I could have made would have either produced a routine and inconsequential police investigation or it would have been ignored by authorities because I had no useful information – I only had my intuition about the meaning in the photographs, his comment that he was “hiding things” from me, and the knowledge that he legally possessed several guns. Any inkling of a report or investigation would have prompted Stanley to abruptly terminate therapy. At no time were Stanley’s fantasies about specific people who may have been in danger. By the time I knew the content, extent, and frequency of the fantasies Stanley was highly committed to the therapeutic relationship.

Did you ever fear for your own safety?

            No, Stanley never displayed the exaggerated physical presence that many paranoids have nor did he try to induce fear in me a psychopath may have tried. I grew up in an inner city neighborhood where physical violence and murder were prevalent. I also worked in a maximum-security prison for four years. I’ve lived and worked with many severe paranoids and psychopaths. I know their vibes. I had no inner sense in relating to Stanley that I was ever in danger. We were able to make real contact and that is an important antidote to violence.

            At first he seemed depressed and later full of shame. By the time I discovered the content and intensity of Stanley’s fantasies we had developed a strong interpersonal bond. By the second year I learned that one of my primary therapeutic functions was to provide protection – protection for Stanley against both the escalation of his own fantasies and his being overwhelmed by shame.

            I provided a protective barrier to his continued sense of shame and script belief. “Something’s wrong with me.” Our therapy centered on helping him understand the relational disturbances that were the origin of the shame and to acknowledge his hurt at not being accepted, as he was, the fear of rejection for who he was and his natural anger at the humiliation he received. I provided protection against the escalation of fantasies by listening and being interested in the details of his many fantasies and particularly by helping him identify the psychological functions imbedded in each fantasy, for example, predictability, identity, continuity, stability.

Did you work with Stanley in any way that was different than usual because of fears of violence or acting-out on Stanley’s part?

            During the first year of therapy my fear of Stanley’s acting-out violence propelled me to question him about his guns, thoughts of revenge and killing and photos of mayhem rather than maintain a phenomenological inquiry and a sustained attuned response. My use of interrogation almost ruined the therapy; he became distrustful, more distant and told me even fewer details. Rather than inquire – a therapeutic method intended for the client to gain greater awareness of his own inner process of feelings, needs, memories, fantasies, and motivations – I asked factual questions, a form of interrogation, as a way to satisfy my curiosity and hopefully (although unconscious at the time) alleviate my anxiety about the potential of Stanley’s acting out his inner violence. Stanley trained me to listen to him rather than question him. It was only when I attentively listened to what he chose to tell me that he became more elaborative and began to rely on our relationship.

            When I returned to a phenomenological inquiry, he became more expressive; repressed memories and feelings emerged. Eventually through phenomenological inquiry and sustained attunement, Stanley was able to be conscious of the previously unconscious functions of his fantasies.

What kind of counter transference issues came up for you?

            As I described in the previous question, my use of interrogation rather than phenomenological inquiry was for the relief of my own anxiety. I wanted to know all the details about Stanley’s revengeful fantasies and plans and I wanted to know them quickly. This is one form of counter transference that almost destroyed the therapy.

            Another form of counter transference was quite beneficial in advancing the therapy. I was repeatedly surprised at how Stanley’s fantasies reawakened in me my own adolescent fantasies of revenge against humiliation. I remembered the powerful feelings of omnipotence and success that accompanied my fantasies of revenge. I could once again appreciate that the wish imbedded in each fantasy to be strong, brave, powerful and valued. I too, wanted to be a hero rather than feel shame.

            These awareness of my own developmental processes, psychological functions, and psychotherapeutic journey increased my sensitivity to Stanley’s level of fixated development, the effects of cumulative trauma and relational needs imbedded in the fantasies – the need for security in relationship, the need for self-definition, and the need to make an impact on significant others.

            Through my own identification with Stanley, free association, subsequent increased awareness of my own psychological progresses my counter transference reactions helped to relax my anxiety, provided a sensitivity necessary for sustained affective attunement and facilitated the establishment of a consistent healing relationship. It has been a personal and professional privilege to be a part of Stanley’s network of relationships.

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